Six Months in Heaven

Nicholas, five years old...always smiling

One of my favorite family photos.
Ella is growing in my womb, Nicholas, who was almost two, had not yet lost the ability to sit unsupported and was fairly healthy at this point.

Nicholas at 2.5, had his first long hospital stay to get his g-tube surgery

I just realized all of these photos are in black and white and I just realized that when I have been posting photos of Nicholas on social media, I tend to edit them in black and white. I suppose it seems apropos to me in that he is the light and the color that has left our life and life seems a little more dull and a little less vibrant without him. 

Today marks six months since our son left this world for Heaven. Here is my Instagram post for today: 

Six months. It's been six whole months since we said goodbye. It feels like an eternity and just a few weeks all at the same time. I am afraid I am starting to forget you. I don't ever want to forget anything about you. I am afraid I am not doing enough to honor your beautiful, very short life. Nothing ever seems the same without you. Some of these past six months have been a blur and some parts seem so clear and bright. The brightest moments always have to do with you. They are tiny pieces of you...a song you loved, a phrase you said, a place you liked to visit that make me feel connected to you. Sometimes I turn to tell you something and then my eyes fill with tears when I remember you're no longer here. These six months without you have been the hardest of my life; much, much harder even than the months following your diagnosis because even though we were devastated, we still had you with us. The absence of you is sometimes more than I can bear. You should have been getting ready for second grade. I wish we were picking out a backpack together...I bet you would choose a green one. We miss you Nicholas. We miss you today and every day. Your long eyelashes, your adorable belly giggle, your clammy hands, your toothy grin...I miss all of it. Every part of you. The world is not the same without you, it never will be.

The {Unofficial} End of Summer

Summer 2015 has been a summer of hope and healing for us. With Nicholas' sudden death at the end of February, Jeff moving to the east coast (for work) at the end of May, and the end of my former job in June, we experienced A LOT of change in a very short period of time.  Nothing could have prepared me for this year. It has been (by far) the most difficult year of my life and if it wasn't for the amazing support system I have: all the constant love, prayers, and words of encouragement from those who care about us, I don't know if I could have made it through. With Jeff away most of the time (he comes home every 4-8 weeks to visit), Ella and I have been traveling, visiting friends, and finding adventure. I think we crammed more into these past ten weeks than in all of Ella's five years on earth. We went to California, Kennewick twice, the Oregon coast, and Silverwood. Ella took swimming lessons, went to two summer camps, paddle boarded twice, went to gymnastics every week, swam in three different pools, ate lots of ice-cream, and stayed up way-too-late many, many times. I hope this summer brought her much joy and lessened the sadness of her big brother's death. I can tell she misses him and she remembers him in everything we do. Between her and I his spirit will live on as long as we do. It's so nice to talk about him with her and I love seeing her include him in her in her daily activities. I can see how much she wants another sibling and she has expressed that fact to me verbally many times. I know she's lonely in spite of all the fun and play dates she has. There is nothing like a sibling to share your life with. God willing, we will be able to give her one someday very soon. 

One thing I know for sure is that she will be getting another cousin in a few short months. Her cousin, Vivien, will be a big sis in December to another baby girl, Evelyn. We cannot wait to meet another precious baby!

Ella and Vivi have a blast together. There's nothing hat screams summer more than ice-cream cones on Gramme & Grandpa's deck. 

 Lunch with my mama last weekend included these yummy apple martinis. 

The three amigos. Grace and Harrison are our neighbors and we spent one afternoon swimming the day away in their pool. It was so relaxing. And while they are a few years older than Ella, they made her feel right at home. 

Most of August was spent in my kindergarten classroom. Because this is my first year back to teaching in seven years, I had so much to do to get my classroom ready for the start of school. Luckily,  some former teachers donated a lot of wonderful manipulates, books, games, and craft items to me. Plus I had saved some of my favorite things from my classroom as well, so I didn't have to break the bank at Learning Palace to get everything I needed to get my room looking spiffy. This weekend I will be finishing my lesson plans and putting the finishing touches on the room so it's perfect for my {!!!seven!!!} kindergartners on Tuesday. (Have I mentioned how great it is to ease back into teaching at a small school)?

Ella will be in Pre-K4 at the school where I will be teaching. It's a switch for her, but because of her adaptable personality, I know it will be an smooth transition for her. We had the Back-to-School Social last Thursday night and Ella really enjoyed it! What's not to love with face painting, balloon animals, checking out a fire truck and police car, hot dogs, ice-cream cones, and crafts? She got to see her classroom (she's pictured in my room since I had to stay there to greet my students) with my mom and she already knows her teacher well. 

With such a wonderful, memorable summer (almost) behind us, I just know its going to be an amazing year!!

Silverwood! {Last Summer Vacation}

About two weeks ago we celebrated the end of summer with a super fun vacation to Kennewick to visit our friends, the Harkins Family. We stayed at their house for two days and then all of us drove to eastern Washington to spend a day at Silverwood. 

Ella enjoyed swimming with Aubree, Hank, and Cash in their pool.

Sunday night we went out to dinner and I had my first pineapple mule. Cheers!

Our minis "cheers-ed" their waters just like their mamas.

Then we had some time to kill before Sunday evening mass so we took the kids to a nearby park so they could get out some energy before having to sit still for an hour. 

Monday morning we got up, packed our things, and drove three hours to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. We dropped off our things at the house we rented and then went downtown to see the lake. Because of all the wildfires burning in Washington in this hot, dry summer of ours it was really hazy, but lovely nonetheless. 

We walked the entire lake pier and then ended up having dinner in this little Mexican cantina. Apparently Idaho doesn't mind if you bring your baby into a bar. I actually think children would be preferable in bars. At least when people are drinking, a rowdy table of four kids under seven wouldn't even get a second glance. 

The next day was all about Silverwood! 

(Ella has been on more amusement park rides this summer than ever before...and she loves it! She's definitely our daredevil).

 I didn't take many photos at the park for a couple of reasons: 1)We were having so much fun and 2) We spent the majority of the day at the water park because it was so hot so my phone (aka camera) was tucked away in a locker because I hear water and phones are not a good mix. But I was lucky enough to get this photo from Catie with me and my godson, Cash. I am so lucky to be a god mama to three precious kiddos. 

Ella went on the Timber Terror roller coaster with me, Rod, and Hank and it was a little too fast and too scary for her so she opted out of going on Tremors. Rod stayed with her and Cash and Catie, Aubree, Hank, and I rode it. Let me just say that Tremors is one of the most terrifying roller coasters ever! It goes seriously fast and it drops down underground through several tunnels. Waiting our turn to board, I saw a girl about Ella's age get off crying, so I was glad Ella decided not to ride it. 

At the water park we floated the lazy river, the kids played at the gigantic splash pad, we rode on a huge inner tube down a super tall water slide, and we rode waves in the wave pool. It was nice to cool down on a hot summer day.

We had a wonderful time on our third vacation of the summer with the Harkins family!

Remembering

On the day sweet Gwendolyn Strong was laid to rest, and because it was in California, we could not attend, so we wanted to honor the beautiful little girl who inspired people around the world to Never Give Up. Because Gwendolyn loved butterflies and bright colors, when we spotted this huge, colorful balloon at the store, we knew we had to have it. The Strong family asked that those who loved Gwendolyn share their remembrances of her via social media, so we were happy to be a part of her earthly farewell in a very small way.

August is SMA Awareness month and every second Saturday in August is the annual SMA awareness candle lighting. This year was the first year since we learned about SMA that we did not have our child here with us to light a candle. My emotions were raw that evening. My heart hurt for all of the hundreds of thousands of parents who have lost a child to SMA. It's just not the way it's suppose to be. Moms and dads deserve to see their children grow up. Here is the original caption that went with this photo I posted on Instagram: 

Tonight we light this candle to remember all the heroic children who have lost the fight against SMA, most recently, two beautiful little girls who touched our hearts: Gwendolyn and Finley. This light is for our sweet Nicholas who passed away only five months ago, who we miss so very much, and who was the most courageous and amazing child we've ever known. This light is to honor those still living with SMA who wear a cloak of bravery every day. This light serves to honor the mothers and fathers who put their SMA child's needs ahead of their own, who go to too many doctors appointments and live on not enough sleep. Parents who have had to whisper goodbye and go on living without their baby. This candle is for all of you.

The Gwendolyn Strong Foundation recently released this amazing new graphic tee and I had to buy one for all three of us. It reads, "Kindness is the new cool. Never Give Up." Nicholas always wanted to tell him how cool we thought he was and so when they posted this design on their website, I took it as another sign from Nicholas and I knew I had to buy one for each of us right away. They arrived a couple of days ago and I couldn't love them more. Mine didn't get photographed because I was wearing it at the time. It's my new favorite tee. It's funny how these small signs may seem so insignificant to some, but they are the things that carry a grieving mother through her darkest days. 

I found this gorgeous blanket when shopping at an adorable antique store one weekend. It became my inspiration for transforming Nicholas' bedroom into Ella playroom/guest room. Like everything, moving on from the familiar feels a little bit like we're leaving Nicholas behind. It feels strange to pack up his things, yet I know without a doubt that he would want his space to be used for playing, for guests visiting, for fun. I know it will bring him joy to know we've transformed his cute room into a more functional multi-purpose space that will be used often. But the mom in me will be sad to see his quilt adorned with trucks and cars neatly tucked into a box, his baby footprint shadowbox no longer hanging on the wall, his backpack removed from its hook. It just makes his absence more real. 

Saturday Fun

A couple of weeks ago, we spent the whole day with our awesome friends, the Drozdeks. We started the day at the Vancouver Farmer's Market and the highlight for the kids was playing in the fountain since it was a humid summer morning.

Even Primrose waded around a little bit with mom and dad's help. 

After spending a couple of hours at the Farmer's Market, we ate lunch at Beaches on the Columbia River, and a few hours after that, we headed to the Clark County Fair! Ella had never been to the Fair before and she really enjoyed it. I bought her a wristband for the rides so we spent the entire evening riding as many rides as possible before it got dark. 

 It was a humid day and in the early evening it started to sprinkle just for a few minutes and Adriane pointed out a beautiful rainbow. I immediately thought of Nicholas and knew he placed it in our view to let us know he was watching us with joy. 

It was a fun, memorable way to spend a Saturday!