Easter 2015

Easter was bittersweet for us. While the joy of the holiday is the understanding of Jesus' great love for us in His resurrection and His promise of eternal life, there is also sadness because we remain here on Earth without our son (and brother), whom we love so much. Obviously there is the trust and wonderment and knowledge that Nicholas now resides in Heaven, and we are forever grateful for Jesus' sacrifice on the cross which opened the gates of Heaven for everyone. But on Easter Sunday, I felt a mixture of such overwhelming sadness shaded by abundant peace. 

Ella made this adorable bunny mask at preschool

 On the morning of the day before Easter, our friend, Leslie, had a wonderful idea to have an egg hunt in the wooded area behind our neighborhood. All of the moms (and one dad) gathered at the park entrance at 9:00 a.m. and brought plastic eggs filled with candy and small treasures to hide. When we were finished we went home to retrieve our children and let them hunt. The kids all had a super fun time hunting high and low for the hidden eggs and each child found plenty to take home.

Later that afternoon, Ella and I dyed a half dozen white chicken eggs and then used boiling water to place these pretty shrink-wrap papers on the outside. We both loved how they turned out!

On Saturday evening, I worked at the Easter Vigil Mass, as I have done for the past six years, to assist the priest with the sacraments of baptism, Eucharist, and confirmation for the children and adults who have made the decision to become Catholic. This year was my last year working at that mass, and while I felt a twinge of sadness that I will not have the same role in years to come, I also feel very grateful that from now on I will get to worship on such a holy day with my family. You see, the Easter Vigil mass does not begin until 8:30 p.m. as it starts one hour after sunset and it lasts over two hours, so my children and husband never attend as the kids go to bed fairly early. From now on we will be able to attend Easter Sunday mass as a family and I am very pleased about that. 

Sunday morning Ella found her basket left by the "Rabbit" and opened her goodies. Later in the morning we went to my parents' home for brunch for some family time and another egg hunt. 

 My mom always creates such a lovely table scape for our dining pleasure. 

Vivien and Ella enjoyed hunting for eggs that their dads hid all over Hargrave acres. We were lucky that the rain held off until much later in the afternoon so the girls didn't get wet while hunting. 

 We posed for a family photo after the girls found all the hidden eggs, as we always do on Easter, and I realized that it was the first one in several years with only three of us. We are smiling on the outside, but our hearts were aching for one more photo with Nicholas. One more holiday with him. One more egg hunt. He loved to find eggs on Easter with his dad. Jeff would hide some especially for him that were at just the right view point from his stroller. Last year, Ella too, spent much of her time helping Nicholas find eggs and making sure he had as many as she did. 

 After the hunt, we went inside and got comfy. The girls opened their pajama gift and bunny ear headband from Gramme and Grandpa, they opened all their plastic eggs to see what was inside, and we cuddled up to watch some children's movies while the rain started to fall. We stayed until dinner time then ate together again. The whole day I felt like I was holding back tears that were just near the surface. When we tucked Ella into bed that night and said our special prayers for Nicholas, the tears were finally released. I could barely talk as I thanked Jesus for his gift of Heaven, and told my son how much I loved and missed him. Jeff and I spent the remainder of the evening talking about past Easters and how much Nicholas enjoyed them. 

 I knew this first holiday without our son would be difficult, but I think I underestimated the severity of difficultly that it actually was. In the past, Easter always meant a new beginning for us. It was usually the mark of the end of cold/flu season which meant that we would come out of hibernation and begin to resume life in the world beyond our front door. We would start to look forward to summer vacation, back yard BBQs, and longer days to fit in more fun. We would start to look forward to less doctor visits, less respiratory treatments, less precautionary regimens. For us, Easter used to mark not only Jesus' resurrection, but a resurrection of sorts for us as well. Obviously this year was not the same as we felt less of the hope of months to come and more sorrow that in months to come we still will be unable to see our son. I know that most holidays will be like this, even as years pass, what were once joyful occasions and cause for celebration will also be shadowed with loss, with the very real loss of a child who can never be replaced. I think it will be helpful for all of us to create and establish new holiday traditions that include things we loved about Nicholas, so his memory will never be forgotten. 

Happy Easter, sweet boy, I can only imagine the amazing celebration you got to experience in Heaven with all the saints and angels. We love you so. Today and always.