Remembering

On the day sweet Gwendolyn Strong was laid to rest, and because it was in California, we could not attend, so we wanted to honor the beautiful little girl who inspired people around the world to Never Give Up. Because Gwendolyn loved butterflies and bright colors, when we spotted this huge, colorful balloon at the store, we knew we had to have it. The Strong family asked that those who loved Gwendolyn share their remembrances of her via social media, so we were happy to be a part of her earthly farewell in a very small way.

August is SMA Awareness month and every second Saturday in August is the annual SMA awareness candle lighting. This year was the first year since we learned about SMA that we did not have our child here with us to light a candle. My emotions were raw that evening. My heart hurt for all of the hundreds of thousands of parents who have lost a child to SMA. It's just not the way it's suppose to be. Moms and dads deserve to see their children grow up. Here is the original caption that went with this photo I posted on Instagram: 

Tonight we light this candle to remember all the heroic children who have lost the fight against SMA, most recently, two beautiful little girls who touched our hearts: Gwendolyn and Finley. This light is for our sweet Nicholas who passed away only five months ago, who we miss so very much, and who was the most courageous and amazing child we've ever known. This light is to honor those still living with SMA who wear a cloak of bravery every day. This light serves to honor the mothers and fathers who put their SMA child's needs ahead of their own, who go to too many doctors appointments and live on not enough sleep. Parents who have had to whisper goodbye and go on living without their baby. This candle is for all of you.

The Gwendolyn Strong Foundation recently released this amazing new graphic tee and I had to buy one for all three of us. It reads, "Kindness is the new cool. Never Give Up." Nicholas always wanted to tell him how cool we thought he was and so when they posted this design on their website, I took it as another sign from Nicholas and I knew I had to buy one for each of us right away. They arrived a couple of days ago and I couldn't love them more. Mine didn't get photographed because I was wearing it at the time. It's my new favorite tee. It's funny how these small signs may seem so insignificant to some, but they are the things that carry a grieving mother through her darkest days. 

I found this gorgeous blanket when shopping at an adorable antique store one weekend. It became my inspiration for transforming Nicholas' bedroom into Ella playroom/guest room. Like everything, moving on from the familiar feels a little bit like we're leaving Nicholas behind. It feels strange to pack up his things, yet I know without a doubt that he would want his space to be used for playing, for guests visiting, for fun. I know it will bring him joy to know we've transformed his cute room into a more functional multi-purpose space that will be used often. But the mom in me will be sad to see his quilt adorned with trucks and cars neatly tucked into a box, his baby footprint shadowbox no longer hanging on the wall, his backpack removed from its hook. It just makes his absence more real.