Yesterday our son would have celebrated his seventh birthday. These first two photos are from his last birthday, his sixth. We had no idea that his sixth birthday would be the last we would celebrate with him here on Earth. He was so joyful on his sixth birthday. He really loved singing "Happy Birthday", blowing out his candles and making a wish, the gifts, his room filled with balloons, and the fun day day with his adoring family.
Yesterday morning was extremely difficult for me. I had a hard time even wanting to get out of bed. When I did finally motivate myself to start the day, the tears would not stop flowing. It was the first day since Nicholas died that I felt overwhelmingly angry.
Angry that our son is no longer here.
Angry that I will never see him turn seven, eight, or nine years old.
Angry that I will never witness him driving a car, graduating from high school, or getting married.
Angry that he was born with Spinal Muscular Atrophy.
Angry that I have to forever live in the absence of his pure, unconditional love.
I sobbed tears of anger, of frustration, of despair. I know it's selfish to want my son back, as his body was at its limit, ravaged and atrophied. But I was angry that we had a child who had to suffer at all. A child whose days were numbered from the day he was born. It all seems so cruel, so heartbreaking. All I have ever wanted in my life is to be a mother, more than anything else, so to be robbed of the very child who gave me that gift, is the worst kind of pain imaginable.
I just miss Nicholas. I just want to hug and kiss him one more time. I just want to tell him I love him and hear him say it back to me. I spoke to my mom that morning and my best friend as well. Both gave me words of wisdom and comfort as I tried to understand why this had become my life, and why my son was taken away too soon. As I finished my conversation with Lyndsey, it ended with a very funny story, which was the best medicine for my broken heart. I cried a bit more, said a few prayers, and finally felt like it was time to start the day.
We were blessed in the days leading up to Nicholas' first Heavenly birthday to have friends who thoughtfully held us in their hearts and let us know they were doing so with cards, gifts, and photos. As Nicholas' birthday approached, I could feel my body filling with anxiety and fear and just to know that we are loved, that Nicholas' birthday was to be remembered, brought me so much comfort and peace.
Jeff came home early yesterday afternoon, so the first stop we made was Nicholas' grave site. We left some pinwheels and one small birthday balloon and were delighted to see that someone else had left flowers and two other small balloons. We also brought some bright blue and one red "Happy birthday" balloon to release. We said a prayer and asked Nicholas to watch over us and send us his love. We let the balloons fly into the sky carrying all our love from Earth to Heaven.
After the balloon release, we went to Big Al's Bowling Alley. Before Nicholas died, he wanted a bowling party and we had planned to throw him one with all his family and friends. Instead, the three of us bowled for him, in his honor.
When we got our shoes, the attendant gave Ella a green bowling ball, which made me smile, knowing that it was a small sign from Nicholas, letting us know he was watching over us and happy that we were celebrating the day of his birth.
We all had such a fun time and bowled two rounds before Ella was begging to play some of the arcade games. We enjoyed playing some fun games together and Ella earned enough tickets to pick out some candy and jewelry.
When we got home, Ella asked Jeff to take the training wheels off her bicycle. She had been asking him to take them off for some time, and Jeff finally did. Lo and behold, she hopped on, started to pedal, and was biking like a pro! We were both so impressed that she just took off on her own with no help needed. She told us it was her birthday gift to Nicholas, which absolutely melted my heart.
That evening, after dinner, our good friends stopped by with flowers, cards, and cupcakes for all to celebrate our boy. I was so touched by their kindness and love. We sang "Happy birthday" to Nicholas and the kids each blew out a candle in memorial of him.
Harrison, one of the sweetest and most sensitive souls I have ever met, wrote this beautiful poem for his friend who he misses so much.
After everyone left to put their kids to bed, I put the flowers in water and lit a candle for our son. What started as a very sad day, ended with beauty. I miss our son and I always will. As time goes by my mind will learn to live without Nicholas, but my heart will never forget his amazing spirit of love and light.
Nicholas, we hope your first birthday in Heaven was better than anything we could possibly imagine here on Earth. We hope you are running, jumping, laughing and playing like your Earthly body would never allow. I hope you can feel our love that was carried up to you on your birthday balloons. You were such an amazing child who filled our lives with love and you gave us a reason to never give up. You continue to inspire us and fill us with your Heavenly grace. We were lucky to have nearly seven years with you, although it will never feel like enough. You're so special to us and we will carry you in our hearts forever. Happy birthday, sweetheart.
