Life Plans

I came across this quote a few days ago and have been thinking about its significance for my life. When I was a young woman I thought I had my life all planned out: I wanted to be married and have children in my mid-twenties, I wanted to have a degree in education and teach in a public elementary school when I finished college, I wanted to live for a few years in an apartment in a big city and have that urban experience that I didn't have growing up in a small town. I wanted to travel. I wanted to meet interesting people, with whom I could debate philosophy, religion, and politics. My nineteen-year-old self believed she had the world at her fingertips and couldn't wait to enjoy all it had to offer.

Many of my hopes and dreams did come to fruition. I recieved my undergraduate degree in education and eventaully pursued my masters degree in education as well. I taught in an elementary school for five years before having children. I traveled to Italy, The Virgin Islands, Canada, Mexico, and various places in the United States. I have had the pleasure of meeting many interesting people along the way and have engaged in some thought-provoking conversations. These experiences helped shape the person I am today, although I believe the experiences that I did not plan, the things that happened that I had no control over have helped me learn more about myself than I ever thought possible.

Part of my life plan was fulfilled when I got married at age twenty-three. My desire to be married and have a family blurred my vision of love when it came to my ex-husband. Our marriage lasted exactly thirteen months because I mistakenly married a former college fraternity boy who lived out his alcoholism at the local bars and eventually brought violence and infidelity into our marriage. At the time this broken marriage was devastating to me. My dream of being married and having a family was shattered. I was sure that I would live my life alone with no one to love me, with no hope of family in my future. It was only after a month-long vacation in California with my best friend and her constant support and reassurance that I began to realize that while my impending divorce was going to be a difficult cross to bear, life would go on and I was capable of finding happiness again. Little did I know that several months later I would meet my current husband, Jeff, who has been my rock and salvation. He is my heart, my passion, my everything. Because my heart had been trampled at the end of my first marriage, I had to learn how to pick myself up off the floor, dust myself off, and open my heart again. God sent me my soul mate when Jeff and I crossed paths. Had I not suffered such complete devestation and been so slighted in love, I don't know that I would have been able to see what amazing qualities Jeff has in his quiet, unassuming way. He captured my heart and soul and I have never looked back.

Years after my divorce, I thought I was in the clear. I believed that my life path had taken a slight detour and was now back on track. I had found a wonderful man to spend my life with and we were expecting our first child. All was right with the world. I had even made a career change from teaching full-time to teaching part-time to provide me with lots of time with our new baby. When Nicholas was born, I finally had the family that I had hoped and dreamed of. I was elated to finally to be a mother, and to be able to share all the parenting roles and responsibilities with Jeff was icing on the cake. I finally had my perfect family. But when Nicholas was ten months-old, he was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy and again my hopes and dreams were shattered. I felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest, thrown on the floor, and stomped to pieces. I felt as if I had done something wrong. I screamed at God for punishing me again. I cried, I pleaded, I anguished. This time as much as it was happening to me, it was physically affecting my son, and that was a pain that was almost too much to bear.

Now six years after my divorce and two and a half years after Nicholas's diagnosis, I have the perspective to realize that life doesn't always happen the way I expect it to, but that what I learn about myself along the way, helps me to grow stronger and open myself up to new possibilities...whatever they might be. I have a much different view of my life's path. I no longer feel in complete control of my destiny. I have let go of expectations. I have surrendered my heart and soul to God's grace and I know that whatever happens in this journey is what is meant to be. It's an amazing feeling. It's a feeling of complete surrender, it's freeing and liberating. I honestly don't ever want to go back. For me to not know my destiny, to not have my life follow a plan, lets me live each day with fervor and love and helps me take experiences as they come without the blur of expectations of what is suppose to be. Whatever will be, will be. I am just here to live the best life I can, to give as much love as I have in me, and to experience joy each and everyday.